I recently returned from a 6-week trip to New Hampshire, the place of my origin. I went intending to stay. It didn’t quite work out that way. I have quite a bit of trouble making up my mind in life. In fact, I would rather just be in the moment. In reading this, you may think me as an impulsive adventure taker that lives on the edge. However, I am actually entirely grounded most of the time. I have 2 teens, two dogs, a house with a fence (although it’s not a white picket one!) Recent life events have had me reassessing everything I think I know.
Once the decision was made to go home, we all packed back into the Ford Sport Trac Explorer (2 adults, 2 teens, and 2 dogs..) and high tailed it back. There was not a lot of reason to stretch it out, and my own bed sounded oh so lovely. The first leg was NH to Minneapolis. After about 23 hours of drive time, we spent about 8 hours there to sleep and have a good meal, then high tailed it the rest of the way home (another 24 hours).
I went back to NH with the hopes that I would feel peace. Being around family and friends would magically lift me up. I would figure out exactly who I was and where I was going next. Unfortunately, all I achieved was more questions.
While I was out there, I took up writing, figuring it would be cathartic. I’m not always good at communicating my feelings. What came up was insecurities.
First, I decided to write a Novel. In doing that, my research told me to write, A LOT. So I decided to start a blog (obviously publishing didn’t happen when I was there), but I was afraid to do this because the voices in my head said who would want to hear what you have to say. Besides, there was nothing spectacular about my writing, so how are you ever going to be successful at any sort of writing. (My voices are not always the kindest).
When I came back, I pretty much gave up on the idea of writing and decided to go back to work (I quit my job shortly before I left for NH). Unfortunately, the world is full of no’s. I am 40 years old, no college degree, and most of my adult life has self-employed. Despite my lack of higher education, I think I would be a pretty kick-ass employee! Unfortunately, I can’t even get interviews…
So here I am stuck with all those negative voices in my head. The good news is when I think of my kids, and what advice I would give them if they were me- and that would be not to listen to those voices. So here I am, unemployed still, but and least diving in to share my thoughts to whoever may be listening…